Take a Number (Oh yeah, we already have it).

That is to say that Internet marketers have to have a handle on social behavior. We here at Overit Media decided to study ourselves in order to best calculate the behavior. You’d think search behavior, but we went farther and figured out the entire world. Or did we?

Some folks open up the newspaper and head straight to the sports, local news or even the horoscopes.

We know this. We also know that the people who are looking at the horoscopes are trying to find out who they are. We can save you the cost of the newspaper and tell you.

Let’s take a step back…the morning newspaper reading often starts with a fresh cup of Joe (coffee for you knuckleheads who don’t know). Therein lies your answer and here’s why:

Hold on, I have to get a cup of coffee…

As we get older here at Overit Media (median age, um, perhaps 30), we were finding it harder to figure out our own friends’ behavior, so we got together over coffee and donuts and it dawned on us – an unscientific study began.

Our highly unscientific study was performed without permission and without prior knowledge, but it seems to be without fault, pending independent verification.

You see, we’ve figured out that there are roughly 5 types of caffeine fiends, er, I mean, coffee drinkers. This leads to 5 different personalities and then 5 different ways to approach people. Read on.

1) Biggest Cup Possible

This person isn’t necessarily picky about what goes in his/her coffee; however, it is usually prepared the same way. The delivery method is what is important here: it must be large and keep ’em coming.

Personality: This person is most likely the “fun” guy or gal; free-spirited, smart, energetic, creative, loving.

2) Same Size, Same Way, Every Time

This person is picky about how he/she gets their coffee.

Personality: Controlling, in need of control

3) Mmmm, Subtle Flavors

This person can tell you the difference between Jamaican and Costa Rican coffees, too much nut, too much this, too much that.

Personality: Anal retentive, too much time on their hands, usually puts up a facade when it comes to relationships.

4) Nervous Wreck

This person whines and cries (on a nervous breakdown level) when there is no coffee when they get to work or if the coffee maker is broken at The Caffeine Café.

Personality: Run, don’t walk this person to the shrink

5) Decaf Freaks

These people will fill up cup after cup, morning after morning with decaf. Why you may ask?

Again, pending verification, there may be some new unchartered territory here that I don’t know about…some new after-the-fact effect that takes place, maybe many years down the road, because it’s not immediately known.

And, it’s not for the taste.

Have you had decaf? Trust me, there’s a difference and I am not a number 3. Perhaps they secretly want the caffeine and figure they have to drink 14 gallons of the stuff to get it, but still want to be able to say, in that holier than though manner, “Oh no, I drink decaf.”

Personality: ‘Nuff said

Did I mention that one of the ways they unnaturally decaffeinate coffee is by bathing it in methylen chloride?

Yum, fill ‘er up.

Wait…the neurons are firing, Yep, adrenaline is kicking into hyperdrive and a thought has occurred to me. 5 types of coffee drinkers, right? 5 friends on NBC’s old show Friends, which thankfully goes into the history books as the most drawn out and over-hyped sitcom endings to a popular show that started off on the right foot but took on the unfortunate face of mediocrity-to put it nicely.

Not being an avid Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, and Monica re-run peeper on a regular basis, I’ll have to base my analysis on prior knowledge. Central Perk is their dealer and they get their fix almost every episode while they are again not at work.

One or more of them always seems to be coming or going, but again, it’s usually not to work. Maybe it’s to another coffee house – the first sign of addiction…hiding your habits!

Here’s my (again, untested, unscientific, open for argument) analysis:

Ross – I would say he’s a number 5

Joey – I’ll throw him a bone and say he’s a number 1

Chandler – Call a shrink and get that Z-O-L-OF-T ready, he’s a 4

Rachel – 3, definite 3

Monica – As easy as the pie that she’s probably cooking in that kitchen that she “works” in – a 4

I forget the other girl’s name – so I’ll just leave her out…besides, that would mess up the study, making it null and void — if it isn’t already.

There are of course hybrids. I do think that there are people that fit slightly into one or more categories. That’s also how I feel about horoscopes. How can we split 6 billion peoples’ days into 12 categories?

Personally, I can fit at least two people that I know into each one of these coffee categories. Try it. Old habits are hard to break, but like Dr. Phil says or is it Oprah? Oh, who cares, they’re one and the same, “Take one habit and replace it with another.”

Okay, maybe neither of them said it, but one them has to fall. In the case of the knuckleheads I know, their old addictive habits have taken on a new look, one that is okay to enjoy at work (finally), at play and before 10 a.m. on a Sunday morning.

Are you reading this from work with your coffee directly next to you? Are you working or are you ‘homing from work’? Either way, we’d love to sit down with you, get you a piping hot cup of coffee and discuss your next project.

Author Credits: Joe Schaefer is the Search Engine Optimization analyst/strategist at Overit Media. When not ‘making stuff up’ (get it? Schaefer makes things rise in the rankings–thus making stuff ‘up’), he’s writing articles like the one you just read — of which he made ‘up’.